Free Fall

The beast takes off its cloak. Free fall. No branch to hold on to. An oceanic terror invades all systems. The sickness permeates. All hope dies. Good for you. This is the starting point of recovery. The absolute point of God.

I prayed each day, for so many years, for some divine intelligence to release me from my the lash of my battle with alcohol and drugs. And it kept happening. The pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization and shame. Over and over again.

Then one morning I called out for help. With multiple self-inflicted stab wounds I wound up in the Paine Whitney Psyhciatric Hospital, behind great stone walls on the edge of the East River, a few blocks from where I was born, in New York City. 43 years ago. The best day of my life. There I discovered that like many of my family members before me I suffered from the serotonin depletion disorder known as the disease of alcoholism and addiction. I began therapy with the life-saving and wise psychiatrist Dr. Norman Straker, took the anti-alcoholism drug Antabuse, attended 12 Step meetings every day.

I gradually discovered that underlying my addiction were a host of self traumatizing patterns resulting from childhood trauma which made life on life’s terms excruciating for me. I learned that I could not transform unless I transformed everything inside and out.

Self reflection, right actions, appraisal of my own honesty, and continuous, situation-enhancing, work with others became my constant way of being. I could not do this without the help of other people who lived solution-based lives. I learned how to have positive conversations. Begin my days by making my bed, brushing my teeth, dressing with self esteem and engaging in esteemable acts. Self care became my watchword so that I could contribute to the lives of all creatures. I was taught that Alcoholics Anonymous is an altruistic program, designed to help people like me be contributors. I had been a parasite on the feelings of my family, lovers, co-workers. I made amends to the people I had harmed without expectation of forgiveness, often being spit on and berated, and just as often being forgiven. I continue evolving my way of being to this day.

During this recovery journey, I have had moments of such tremendous anxiety that I hoped to die, prayed for it. I have made hideous mistakes at the expense of others. I have had moments of such profound joy and love and inspiration that I never thought possible. I have learned to hold steady in the face of conflict of any kind. To reason things out with the help of trusted friends. To connect each day, all day long, with the divine creative intelligence who permeates my being and yours. I’ve learned how to eat well, rest and be physically active to change my faulty biochemistry. I have radically transformed into a life of wholeness, wisdom and honesty. Patience, tolerance, justice and love are my credo. I have learned to love. To give. I have learned to sit with discomfort.

Each day becomes a practice. Not a perfect. There is never a perfect.

May you free fall. May you hit the worst bottom known to man both while using and while clean. This is the paradigm shift into total humanity for you.

And to you, in whatever stage you are: I bow at your feet.